I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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