1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
