thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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