I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We left the knife in your bed.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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