Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
