soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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