My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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