i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I cut my penus on the lid.
she peed on how many people?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Randomize
