Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
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