My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Who put my cat in the fridge?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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