i already hear my dad disowning me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the day after is always just damage control
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
