Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
