We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
