it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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