You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
