Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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