gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
