Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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