I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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