Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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