1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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