I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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