I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
