Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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