Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
