She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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