dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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