I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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