she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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