So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
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Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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