The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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