Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so let's talk penis.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Randomize
