It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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