I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
