My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
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Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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