bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
