If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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