God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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