I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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