I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
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I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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