If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It was confusing and full of hummus
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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