I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
