i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
