Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
