There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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