apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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