Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
