My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
