Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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