handjob tips. give me some.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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