whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
