i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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