I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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