so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
