So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I met the friendliest cop last night
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
