apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
