I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
