Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
