I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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